As I sit here this Sunday thinking about what I want to write about + I always go to my Penzu page for motivation. I like to see where my head was + or what direction I was going in. In a way this helps me gauge my progress and gives me that little push. This is where I was almost a year ago…
Week #56: July 7, 2017
…For the most part I have an ideal lifestyle. I live in a nice place + I’ve made it nice for nesting. I have a stable job that pays OK. I don’t have to worry about paying for my transportation to + and from work. I get free lunch on several days. I can afford to buy nice things + I’m in the “somewhat” healthy range but I’m working on being better. I don’t have any fake friends around me + I raised a good kid + and I have my family so I guess I should be counting my blessings at all of the things that I have going for me + because some people don’t have a home to go to. Some people are faced with constant battles when my battles are all in my head. I struggle to be happy in my skin + and others struggle just to live in peace + and be able to go home at night without worrying about the inevitable. On Sunday as we were riding around I felt like crying which is insane + I was with my favorite person + we were literally “Cruising on a Sunday afternoon” + listening to good music and doing what we enjoy. We love each others company + and I thank God that me and my daughter have what we have + even though it’s not always peaceful. I need motivation … for what I don’t know…
When I read this + it almost broke my heart to know that this is where my head was during this time. I have some memory of it + but it’s hazy. I know this sadness + I use to be very familiar with it. People that suffer from depression can have everything in life + but you still feel like your walking under this cloud. It’s not that I don’t still struggle but I have “B” + and a support system to help pull me from it. I see my bouts of depression as a distraction + a bad distraction or obstacle from what I want my life to be. I was watching one of my YouTube Influencers and she said that the pain she was feeling was so bad that she wanted to give it a name. Now … it’s not funny because she was talking about the physical pain she’s having in her body + but it did make me laugh + because when something is with you everyday + all day + and it’s terrible you want to give it a name. You want to call it something … because it’s personal. It’s also angers me + and frustrates me + because again … it’s in the way.
I know I’m better and stronger than my pain + I will not wallow in it + because life is way to short + and precious to let this pain … [I haven’t given her a name … Yolanda … Valerie ???] + stand in the way of living vs. existing.
I want to take this time to thank you for stopping by today + and giving me a bit of your Sunday. Have a great week and show some by “liking” or “following”.
I absolutely loved and related to this post more than I would have cared to admit. Keep writing, you are really good!
That really means a lot to me + and thanks so much for the love.
You deserve it you are such a good writer!