As I sit here this Sunday thinking about what I want to write about + I always go to my Penzu page for motivation.  I like to see where my head was + or what direction I was going in.  In a way this helps me gauge my progress and gives me that little push.  This is where I was almost a year ago…

Week #56: July 7, 2017
…For the most part I have an ideal lifestyle.  I live in a nice place + I’ve made it nice for nesting.  I have a stable job that pays OK.  I don’t have to worry about paying for my transportation to + and from work.  I get free lunch on several days.  I can afford to buy nice things + I’m in the “somewhat” healthy range but I’m working on being better.  I don’t have any fake friends around me + I raised a good kid + and I have my family so I guess I should be counting my blessings at all of the things that I have going for me + because some people don’t have a home to go to.  Some people are faced with constant battles when my battles are all in my head.  I struggle to be happy in my skin + and others struggle just to live in peace + and be able to go home at night without worrying about the inevitable.  On Sunday as we were riding around I felt like crying which is insane + I was with my favorite person + we were literally “Cruising on a Sunday afternoon” + listening to good music and doing what we enjoy.  We love each others company + and I thank God that me and my daughter have what we have + even though it’s not always peaceful.  I need motivation … for what I don’t know…

When I read this + it almost broke my heart to know that this is where my head was during this time.  I have some memory of it + but it’s hazy.  I know this sadness + I use to be very familiar with it.  People that suffer from depression can have everything in life + but you still feel like your walking under this cloud.  It’s not that I don’t still struggle but I have “B” + and a support system to help pull me from it.  I see my bouts of depression as a distraction + a bad distraction or obstacle from what I want my life to be.  I was watching one of my YouTube Influencers and she said that the pain she was feeling was so bad that she wanted to give it a name.  Now … it’s not funny because she was talking about the physical pain she’s having in her body + but it did make me laugh + because when something is with you everyday + all day + and it’s terrible you want to give it a name.  You want to call it something … because it’s personal.  It’s also angers me + and frustrates me + because again … it’s in the way.

I know I’m better and stronger than my pain + I will not wallow in it + because life is way to short + and precious to let this pain … [I haven’t given her a name … Yolanda … Valerie ???] + stand in the way of living vs. existing.

I want to take this time to thank you for stopping by today + and giving me a bit of your Sunday.  Have a great week and show some by “liking” or “following”.

 
 

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