Journal Entry // "The Tea"…Chit-Chat: Holiday Stress, Work, Self-Love
Oh what fun the holidays can be + or not. Post Thanksgiving and I’m so damn glad it’s done. It wasn’t the stress of cooking but traveling + driving + arriving + being the designated driver…breathe. Relatives nervous about riding + but always want shotgun + and conflicts about where to go + and what to do …breathe. People wanting you to sightsee and your driving….breathe. I could feel my shoulders tensing as I’m complaining…breathe. Now I have stress in my shoulders and back I slept so uncomfortably the first few nights….breathe. Driving on a trip that was supposed to take 7 hours + but took 12 because of traffic…breathe.
We always say that next year were gonna do things differently + like not staying with family so we can have our evenings alone to decompress and relax so you don’t get that relative that wakes up at 5:30am + making noise and expecting that everyone else is also awake…..Yeah my holiday was kinda like that + however I remain positive + I miss and love my family + and its always fun talking + and reminiscing over a delicious meal. Time off and and memories are priceless.
Time away has been great but now I have to go back to that daily grind of work. Work has traditionally been one of those things that killed time until the weekends (de-ja-vu). Now just to be clear + I’ve been at my job for 18 years + and people say (once you tell them you’ve been at you job that long) …wow your dedicated + you must really love it. I don’t + I never have but… I do it well and people appreciate it so that’s what matters. I’ve made some great friends + and have some beautiful relationships. I’ve made mistakes + but I have no regrets. My job may not feed my soul + and the various head staff has driven me crazy + but I did what I needed to do. I’ve always said that when I retire + I’ll do something that makes my soul sing + cause let me tell you…the thing you’ve heard …“If you love what you do you’ll never work a day in your life” + is positively + absolutely true. At times work has been daunting…same-shit-different-day dauting. Most days I’m on auto-pilot + I do things without remembering that I’ve done them + I move and function without thought + it’s like being in the Matrix. I feel like I’ll wake up soon and this will all be a daydream…ok that’s extreme but you don’t just float through 18 years without some type of imagination. Your sanity is really all you have + however + one of my co-workers has said several times that we must be bat-shit-crazy to be here this long…hell maybe we are.
It’s these times when I think that if I didn’t love myself or didn’t have love + and forgiveness in my heart that I wouldn’t have been able to endure all that I have at my job. What is self love + a made up thing + love of self + the selfish self? Or does it mean that you love yourself enough not to put yourself through stress + and misery + and sometimes you just say fuck-it. Whether it’s said to yourself or out loud it’s just one of those things that aide my love of self. It keeps me away from people who are not good for me + it’s keeps me on the straight and narrow. I love myself enough not to be stupid + not to be irresponsible + to take care of my body + exercise my mind+ and feed my brain. I love myself enough to try to always be a little better than I was the previous day + a reset button is not an option. There is nothing guilty or wrong about loving yourself + and it’s my strong belief that if you don’t love yourself + then how are you going to have the capacity to love others. (Know Thyself)…thanks so much for reading…Wye