Journal Entry // Chit Chat…Motherhood + Growing Older + Dating
What does it mean when people say that you need time for you + I’ve always pondered that statement. I’m a single parent + and I’ve done everything myself because it was the only thing to do. I didn’t bitch and complain “Why Me?!?” + okay maybe I did a little but for most part I took the good with the bad and just kept it moving. There was never a part of me that held on to ill feelings for a long time because my thinking was that it took up space in my head + and I needed to be positive. There is this quote from Tupac where he says…
“You can spend minutes + hours + days + weeks + or even months over-analyzing the situation + trying to put the pieces together + justifying what could’ve … would’ve happened + or you can leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” — Tupac Shakur (1971-1996)
That quote was poetic for me + and I’ve tried to abide by it. It’s funny because while my daughter knew it was hard for me + she remembers the good and fun things. Like the one time I got really sick and she had a Doris Day marathon for me + and read to me to keep my mind off things + or like the time we had a really bad storm and the power was out for 10 hours and we had picnic in the living room with deli sandwiches + and played board games all night. It’s times like that when I think ok I did something right + and my struggle wasn’t for nothing.
Now that I’m older and she’s older + she talks about those times and how “Mommy + I’m gonna bring my kids to your house so you can school them on R & B music + culture”….that’s when I know I’ve made an impression. You see it and you think wow … I did all of that. I thought that college would be hard for me not her + and her not being here everyday + and at first I struggled + I cried like a baby because I was lonely + and I missed the act of mothering + she also struggled a bit because it was new to her and being away from home. I remember telling her to hang-in-there it will get better + and over time she thrived and I’m so very proud + her graduation was the proudest moment of my life besides her birth. People say “well you’ve gotten her through the hard part now what are you gonna do”. Hell people were saying that when she graduated from high school. Even my therapist said you might want to put your energy into something for you. At this time work was stressful and I didn’t quite know how to deal + but I never brought that crap home with me. When I left work … I took it off like coat and didn’t think about it again…but even then I thought what the hell am I gonna do. So I went to school + and thought oh gosh I’m gonna be in college with folks that are half my age and me in my 40s…how does that work. + Turns out that it worked just fine and I loved it. I loved learning + I loved my environment (well I didn’t love the Meteorology class it took but that’s another story) + and it turns out that when you go to school at night + you go with people who are just like you + older with growing families trying to move their lives in a different direction. When you venture out into something that’s new you want to be with like-minded people + and share ideas on photography which was my area of study. I finished school Summa Cum Laude + and now I’m supposed to think about a Bachelors Degree + but for now I’m just enjoying the fact that I set out to do it + and did the damn thing.
Speaking of growing older + every now and then my friends would ask me about dating + which has always been a “none-of-your-business” zone. It’s always I don’t have time or + I don’t want to deal with anyone + I’m raising my family + but I can’t give that excuse anymore. I can’t just say well I like being alone + because sometimes I do want someone to hang out with + why should it matter + and why do I need to explain it. Then there’s all this other pressure of people trying to live up to some expectation of what they think an ideal partner would be + why can’t you just meet someone decent + get to know that person + and let it flow. No pressure + no hidden agendas + and no bullshit + that’s my ideal and probably where I should end this. Thanks so much for visiting my blog today + and I always end my journals (even my personal ones with a quote). — “Know Thyself”